This is Surprising

I never imagined that I would join a Bible Study, but I have. I have signed up, and already attended the first session, of the Disciple Bible Study program offered through my church. And not only is a Bible Study, but its one that last 34 weeks, and has reading assignments each and every day. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to take it slow to see if its something I could handle, but its all in now I guess.

To explain, I have no issue with studying the Bible. Through high school and college (both Catholic schools), I had the opportunity to essentially read the Bible in its entirety twice, with one time focusing on the history surrounding the time period of its writing, and the other surrounding the philosophical/theological ideas proposed through the course of the text. But my anxiety stems from the fact that at the moment, and for the past couple of months ago, my naturally doubting personality has tended to take more control than usual over my thoughts and my analysis when it comes to matters of belief and faith. At times, this can result in more cynicism than I would like. So, when it comes to this study, I was interested in giving it a go – for a variety of reasons – but always had the nagging voice in my head that my mind wasn't in the best place to approach this study; that my reactions would be too cynical, too harsh, too destructive, for others in the study, and for me, and for Jackie.

Despite this, I signed up. I wanted to do something of a studying nature – the part of me that never tires of being a student, or reading, writing notes, reflecting was just jumping at the opportunity. In addition, the church was offering something different. For lack of better wording, it was offering a “ministry” that was more academic or grounded (never sure of the right word to use) than the usual stuff of singing, etc. I was drawn to the level of commitment – nightly reading and 34 weeks of weekly classes, for 2 to 2 ½ hours. It's the type of thing I have talked about with Jackie often, about the need for churches to expand their offerings to reach different types of people. I couldn't very well say no to this and continue my thinking along those lines – it was something I needed to support.

And thus, this past Monday night, I was at our first class. I've done reading for the past week and a half, on the schedule provided for in the program. Despite the simple joy I get from being in a “class” setting again, and the process of reading and note taking that I often miss, I still have that nagging voice about tempering my approach. Its a delicate balance - I am who I am (?) so to speak, meaning that I am a doubtful person, it helps in various tasks of my profession, and the scrutiny that personality tick causes me to use has served me well in my past educational studies. But I find it often difficult to achieve a balance with that doubt, or a filter to temper the cynical nature that it can manifest itself as. Thus, trying to achieve between fully being myself, and fully participating in this study, yet doing so in nature that controls some of my more destructive and, in my own personal truth, useless statements.

Cynicism, I find, it sometimes warranted. In this situation, I do genuinely hope that I can convey the doubt without the cynicism. Its important to me to do that, so I can better be that person I want to be, and assess how that person fits into my “church” world. Also, it helps me to better assess that church, and my doubtful, crazy self fits in, if at all. So I approach it with excited trepidation, nervous hope, etc. I may even feel compelled to write out some of my notes here, perhaps to share, perhaps to get it out of my system before the next Monday. But either way, I imagine the process will be interesting for me internally, and will hopefully yield great opportunity for increased knowledge and awareness, and maybe even understanding and some faith along the way.