A little over three and a half years ago, in April of 2007, Jackie and I bought our current house. We had been in an apartment the two years prior, and were so excited to have our own space. Part of the important to us was the dream of having children and raising them in this house. After all, we bought a house that was bigger than our current needs; we have two additional bedrooms upstairs that stay empty, and we have been in probably less than 10 times. Its a lot of house for two people, and we bought with the hope and expectation that we would be adding people along the way.
Probably for the first year after the house purchase, our attempts for children were always timed; that is to say timed to try to arrange for a birth at a certain time of year so it would have the least amount of impact on Jackie's working schedule (i.e., during the summer when school was on break), and thus a minimal impact on our finances. Looking back at this year, I almost feel ashamed of the naivety and arrogance it required to think that such could be control. After a year or so of that, and growing impatient, we decided not to worry about such timing concerns, and just hope that it would happen as soon as possible.
After another year and a half with no luck - taking us to about the beginning of this year, we took the next logical steps. Soon, there was more medical appointments, and we probably became more aware of certain things then we ever really thought, and charting, the rise and fall of temperatures, etc. became a part of our lives in a big way. Not completely unrelated, these items went along naturally with out dual attempts this year to get healthier and lose weight (which has been successful, but that's another post). So the journey, which started over three years ago, continued this year, with disappointment and growing frustration constant companions.
Three and a half years can be a long time to try and hope for something with no results; it can warp the perspective one looks through, the lens that colors our worldview. It can take hope away. In large part, that's what most of this year felt like - a life of motions without hope, colored by the lens of disappointment. But things changed. On October 6, almost three and half years to the day of when we moved into our house, Jackie had a positive pregnancy test. I remember that morning as I had to leave for Indianapolis for a two day conference, and wouldn't be back until late Friday night. So after hearing such wonderful news, we were apart for a couple days - kind of putting the true joy on hold for a bit. But we had a wonderful embrace early that morning before Jackie left for work. An embrace where those frustrations and disappointments seemed to fade away, hope was restored, and joy was present.
We thought about what to do with the one room that would become a nursery - what furniture to buy, how to decorate it, and so on. We decided to cancel certain subscriptions and services, so we could have more money for all the costs of the future. We discussed names; we read applicable books; we were truly happy about what was to come. It seemed like things just fit...a due date at the end of the school year/beginning of the summer. Better than our own dreams.
As we all know, sometimes life doesn't work that way. We went to the doctor on October 26 to do the first ultrasound. The baby should have been around 8 weeks at that point - might even be able to see a heartbeat. The ultrasound showed the baby at 6 weeks. Two possibilities - not as for along as all the charting and dates would lead us to believe, or the baby stopped growing and it would simply be a matter of waiting for the miscarriage to happen. So we went back about a week later, November 3. That ultrasound confirmed that the baby had indeed stopped growing.
Suffice to say, its been a rough week and half or so around our house. All the highs we had in the first part of October were replaced with some pretty low lows. You have the statistics - 1 in 5 of all pregnancies end with a first trimester miscarriage; and the obvious statements - sometimes bad things happen, life's not always fair. All this is very true. But I think one of the truly maddening things about pain, is that truth is no comfort. In some sense, we have a hope that we didn't have over a month ago, because of our three year plus history of getting to this point. In others, that history can cloud one's lens and make it seem all the more cruel.
In a few months, we will be trying and hoping again. And should we be blessed again with a pregnancy, we will never have the joy that we had on October 6th. We will have nervousness, hesitancy, anxiety. Experience does that, it makes certain moments be something they shouldn't.
Jackie and I continue this journey together, attempting to avoid any sense of expectation, as well as any sense of despair. Simply hoping for no interruptions. Hoping.
"...hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." - The Shawshank Redemption.
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