Birthday Reflections

I meant to write and post this earlier, on Monday, so it was actually on my birthday, but time got away.  So anyway, this past Monday was my 30th birthday, which gave the opportunity to family and friends and co-workers to (for whatever reason) take some joy in ribbing me about turning 30.  I get that birthdays with zeros at the end tend to be a bigger deal to a lot of people, and on some level it "feels" a bit out of place for me to say that I am no longer in my 20s, but generally the age thing doesn't affect me much.  But it is humorous to let go of that ever-present self-consciousness and enjoy the cracks on age from those around me (after all, they're all older anyway :)).

I've wrote before about my love of making resolutions, and I find that I approach my birthday to take advantage of the opportunity to make another resolution, and to reflect on the past year in my life.  Last year at this time, the focus in our household was about getting healthier...eating better, exercise more, losing weight.  I set a goal for myself at the time that I thought was very ambitious, in light of how I never had successfully lost weight before in my life.  That goal was to lose 50 pounds before my next birthday.  I didn't meet the goal, but not for lack of trying or for lack of progress.  Up to that point, I had already dropped about 15 pounds, so while I did not lose another 50, I have lost 50 total.  As of this week, the weight loss meter is close to sixty pounds overall.  So I missed the goal by about 5 pounds.  I don't get the nice round number I wanted to reach, but I have a confidence now that I didn't last year.  The 5 pounds feels inevitable, whereas last year any weight loss seemed monumental.  I still have a long way to go to where I want to be, but last year I made a resolution that focused me throughout the next year.  This year its the same. 50 didn't work last year, but I am hoping that it can work this year, pushing me over 100 total.  This has become part of my life now, so that while there are set backs, I know its not permanent.  My lifestyle and the way I look at food and calories and exercise has shifted fundamentally.

But while that goes well, other things about the birthday are frustrating, I suppose.  Its not the year older part, its not the number.....the best way I can explain it is that whenever I reflect I think about how I should have done more, accomplished more, have more, etc. by this time in my life.  I think part of it stems from a lack of perspective at times, as well as being too much of a planner.  I like to plan everything out, put everything on a schedule and complete it on time, and sometimes life just doesn't work that way.  For the past several years, that lesson has been learned the hard way with the frustration Jackie and I have faced with trying to have a baby.  I have grown both more patient and impatient, and it becomes maddening as you realize how little control one really has.  It was naively arrogant of me to assume that something like that could fit so easily into one of my pre-thought out schedules.  But, while that journey has been humbling along with beyond frustrating, it has also been strengthening.

The journey has been strengthening because it has helped put things into focus - about my priorities, about what I seek and what I want and what I need. Simply, it has helped me grow in so many ways. I am a better husband and friend for those frustrations, and I imagine I will be a better father whenever such a blessing happens.

Part of the issue with this type of birthday reflecting, at least for me, is that it is easier to focus on what I don't have (don't have a child, don't have less debt, don't have more money, etc.) by a certain age, as opposed to what I do have.  I have wonderful parents who have become great friends. I can't imagine having better in-laws. I have a great sister who has a great family of her own.  I have a dog who I make her world everyday just by coming home, and reminds me that while I may not have a child, I do have a family. And most of all, I am married to my best friend and get to spend each and every day with her, traveling the roads of life together. I have so much.

I am truly one lucky guy.