My alma mater is closing. Okay, technically, the news is that Saint Joseph's College (IN) is having a "temporary suspension of activities" following this school year. The pragmatist in my doesn't see how a school recovers from that, particularly in light of the financial circumstances that caused it, which were pretty dire. But I'm not really thinking and writing about the financial situation. I'm thinking and writing (and processing) what the loss means; because it is a loss.
Several years ago, I wrote a post entitled "Going Home" about an event back at Saint Joe. I talked about how special of a place SJC was for me; and for Jackie, and thus for our family. Ever since getting the news about the closing several weeks ago, I have struggled to come to terms with it. There's been the initial shock; the confusion and searching for answers, attempting to understand; anger and frustration; discussions with old college friends; the continued searching for more information; all leading to where I am now, which is obviously acceptance (not my choice in the matter), but an acceptance tinged with extreme disappointment and the gnawing sense of loss.
I know that from conversations with Jackie and others, that much of what made SJC special was the friends made there; and those friends are still involved in our life, and thus we don't lose those friends (though we do lose a somewhat convenient place to meet up). And while that's true, I think the struggle with my feelings with this over the last week have made me realize that my attachment to Saint Joe was not just about the friends made (though, obviously, a huge part).
For me, Saint Joe was truly transformative. Often, college is described in such terms, but for me, I don't think it would be possible for me to understate how transformative it was. I came out of high school with very little self-confidence. That carried over to college and made certain aspects of the first two years there difficult; a struggle for me to understand my persistent self-doubts; learning to cope and manage with depression and other self-destructive thoughts, and learning to channel negative ideas/thinking into motivation. I grew a lot in understanding how to live with myself, and then live with others. That enabled a level friendship I hadn't experienced before, and ultimately culminated in my relationship with Jackie.
Besides those personal, emotional journeys, or maybe intertwined in such journeys, was the discovery of some true intellectual pursuits, and the joy I gained from engaging in such pursuits. My love of history, philosophy, literature ... of learning, truly blossomed and came a part of my identity, the very core of who I was, and who I still am today.
And because of those two combinations - the emotional understanding of self along with the development of a core identity - happened at Saint Joe, Saint Joe represents a "watershed" moment in my life, so to speak. I'm aware that college, and the ages of 18 through 22, can often lead to these moments regardless of where they occur. That said, I feel the certain peculiarities of my Saint Joe experience give me the confidence to say that my self-understanding, development, and identity would be very much different today. Everything - from the random pairing with my college roommate freshman year (who I would room with all 4 years), the occurrence of events that led to meeting Jackie, the group of friends I became involved with, to the classes and professors I had, to the specific books I read during certain years and the discussions and thoughts those books produced - at Saint Joe had impact.
And that is what I'll miss, or what I feel, while not lost, is at least awry - that this place, this experience that had such impact on my life in such a positive way, is no longer. Also, that it can no longer impact any others in the future. That realization continues to put me at a loss of knowing how to feel, except that I feel a loss that makes me sad.
"Progress occurs where truths are questions." - Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel
"Your comfort zone is a place where you keep yourself in self-illusion and nothing can grow there but your potentiality can grow only when you can think and grow out of that zone." - Rashedur Ryan Rahman
And because of those two combinations - the emotional understanding of self along with the development of a core identity - happened at Saint Joe, Saint Joe represents a "watershed" moment in my life, so to speak. I'm aware that college, and the ages of 18 through 22, can often lead to these moments regardless of where they occur. That said, I feel the certain peculiarities of my Saint Joe experience give me the confidence to say that my self-understanding, development, and identity would be very much different today. Everything - from the random pairing with my college roommate freshman year (who I would room with all 4 years), the occurrence of events that led to meeting Jackie, the group of friends I became involved with, to the classes and professors I had, to the specific books I read during certain years and the discussions and thoughts those books produced - at Saint Joe had impact.
And that is what I'll miss, or what I feel, while not lost, is at least awry - that this place, this experience that had such impact on my life in such a positive way, is no longer. Also, that it can no longer impact any others in the future. That realization continues to put me at a loss of knowing how to feel, except that I feel a loss that makes me sad.
"Progress occurs where truths are questions." - Aniekee Tochukwu Ezekiel
"Your comfort zone is a place where you keep yourself in self-illusion and nothing can grow there but your potentiality can grow only when you can think and grow out of that zone." - Rashedur Ryan Rahman
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