Father's Day Thoughts

This past Sunday was Father's Day, and for the fourth time in my life, I was fortunate to be able to celebrate it as a father myself. As perhaps the awkward phrasing of that sentence indicates, I've often struggled (if that's the right word) with the concept of Father's Day. Its not that I haven't minded celebrating it with my own Dad; quite the contrary. My relationship with my Dad is one of the best things I have in this life; so a day that provides opportunity for that reality to be better reflected upon and appreciated is a good thing. But in the years before we started the adoption process that led to Maia gracing our lives, well, let's just say my attitude towards the holiday was perhaps a bit more cynical.

It could be considered that the holiday had an accidental nature; or, more simply, its a holiday based simply on status of relationship, not of any position of value. In retrospect, these are shallow viewpoints, but very likely serve some form of self-preservation at the time. That said, the holiday is one that, at its most superficial, is a celebration of status; and sometimes, status is earned. Other times, it is not.

In any event, before I digress down a rabbit hole that leads to nowhere, when I think about Father's Day now, from my personal perspective, I am glad I chose it. Jackie and I often discuss that with adoption, the decision to be a parent is as conscious as you can make it. There's too much planning, thought, work, and sacrifice that goes into the act of becoming a parent for it not to be an overwhelming conscious decision (this is not to say that having biological children is not a conscious decision for many; just that the adoption process is inherently a conscious one). I've sometimes shared with family and friends that I'm not sure that there is any any endeavor as fraught with self-doubt as parenting is. For an individual with my particular sensibilities, an individual who naturally doubts most everything initially, including his self, this is particularly truthful. But I'm glad I chose it.

This past Sunday, Maia and I went grocery shopping in the morning (in a rare event, Jackie was able to go with us). Since Maia was a baby, I have taken her grocery shopping. It's something we've always done together. As mundane as the activity may be, its one of things I view as a job we do together for our family. Afterwards, in the afternoon, Maia took me to the movies, to see Cars 3, which was very enjoyable. The it was home and bedtime, a quick day among those two activities, really.

After the weekend morning ritual of grocery shopping.

There was nothing overly special, I suppose, about the day. But it encompassed, in a way, everything I love about being a father - the shared family activities. Its amazing to think, that after 4 plus years, this concept and reality of fatherhood remains both the most abstract and real thing in my life; the source of the most doubt and most hope; the foundation of both wandering and purpose.

I've been and am many things in my life - student, husband, son, brother, lawyer, employee, employer, public servant, citizen. Over 4 years ago I decided that I wanted to add Father to that list, and worked with Jackie to make that possible. Through the adoption process and Maia's birthmother, that was made possible. And now, I realize that its not really about being a Father that gives me more purpose then I ever imagined, or brings me more meaning than I thought possible, or fills my days with moments of such intense happiness.

It's being Maia's father that does that.

My favorite girl