Father's Day has, in many ways, become similar to what my birthday is for me. Less and less do I see it as a day of celebration and more and more as a day of reflection. The contrast is that while the reflection I always feel pulling me on my birthday is very general - about my life in general; the reflection for Father's day is, likely naturally, very specific - fatherhood.
I've written here and have often said that I feel that parenthood, perhaps more than any other activity, is fraught with self-doubt. I believe this self-doubt is complicated and exacerbated by the relationship that a parent and child (should?) have. You love your child, want the absolute best you can provide for your child - which can make every single mistake you make feel crushing. Your child, often without you doing anything to earn it, trusts you and loves you.
But, because you live together, you not only see the best of each other, but you see the worst of each other as well; which means that all the complicated aspects of all relationships - acceptance and forgiveness among them - have to be navigated between you (constantly filled with self-doubt bordering on paralysis) and your child (usually lacking the knowledge, experience, and perhaps even language to comprehend the relationship).
So, under this backdrop or framework, I'm reflecting tonight on my experience of fatherhood, and my relationship with Maia. Its too easy to sit back and talk about wanting to be a better father (who doesn't) or wanting to make sure she has everything (not possible) or working on improving our relationship (always true). These statements represent things or statuses that all fathers want - they are both true, but provide little guidance. I think, at least in how I'm thinking tonight, these types of reflections fall short because it too often succumbs to recency bias. You think of how to be better, by looking at recent failures sticking in your mind.
In writing (and thinking all this), Maia and I had a pretty good relationship. She knows I love her, and care for her; she trusts me, and loves me. This really isn't about our relationship right now. What actually got me started on this random rabbit hole of a reflection is a conversation I had with my Dad on Friday. It was a random conversation, but one in which my Dad shared advice - not advice in the "this is what you should do" unsolicited vein, but that advice that comes born from life experience and flows organically from a good conversation.
I'm 37 years old. Fatherhood doesn't stop. I don't know if my Dad even knew he was giving me good, practical advice that I took to heart or not. He and I were just having a conversation, one we can have because of how strong our relationship is.
What occurred to me, tonight, after a fun day with my girl - going to lunch and then seeing The Incredibles 2 (really fun movie) - was the desire to not just have these moments. I want the moment when Maia is 37 (which means I would be 69) and we have a good conversation and she is able to take something from that conversation that is helpful. Obviously, what happens now - and the ensuing years of our relationship - determines if that wish can be fulfilled.
But is also, quite bluntly, requires that I be around for that conversation to happen.
I've never really factored in my physical health into any equation of whether I was a good person, a good friend, a good husband, a good father. For a lot of reasons, I think its time for me to rethink that equation.
❤️Read and understood.
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