I used to write a birthday reflection post every year on this blog, or at least I thought I did. Looking back on it now, I realize that why I did it quite frequently in my mid to late 20s (when blogging became particularly popular), and just into my 30s. I suppose as one grows older, birthdays become less significant in terms of marking the passage of time (insert joke here). In any event, time has passed and I turn 40 today (over the hill, and what not).
In reviewing some prior reflections, I tended to focus mostly on themes of gratitude and resolutions. Expressing gratefulness for all that is fortunate in my life while attempting to focus on areas where I seek to improve. Thinking about these themes now, I am very much aware of a tension of sorts with the two. Not a tension in the sense that one is working against the other. But that the two together forces a tension to the rest of life; that the two ideas, both on birthday reflections and in my life in general, have consumed so much mental and emotional energy that not much else has been given space in my mind.
This becomes evident when I sat down and starting reflecting on writing this post. Little else came to mind besides expressing gratitude for all that I have in my life, and thinking once again on resolutions and goals of getting healthier and living better. Obviously, these are valued reflections and worthwhile. But at times, as I think harder and deeper, I begin to question if the proportionality given to these thoughts (or at least openly written about them) is less authentic than I would like, and wander more into some combination of signaling and reminding, both to others but mostly to myself; i.e., even if you don't think/feel this, you know you should.
I believe I devote so much energies to these ideas in response to what I observe to be my natural mental state. There is so much that resides "rent-free" in my head - be it doubt (of all sorts), judgment (mostly of self), frustration, dissatisfaction. I understand, both intellectually and emotionally, that I can't permit these natural thought tendencies/inclinations to dictate my mental well-being. Thus, I focus on gratitude as a reminder not to do down bad rabbit holes; I continually set goals and make resolutions as a way of convincing myself that I am not accepting those natural thoughts - be it my doubt or self-judgment or disappointment.
However, as I have floundered in many ways in working towards goals in the past several months, I wonder at the cumulative impact of not accepting those thoughts. Not in the sense of permitting them control, but that the continued non-acceptance has built a denial of those thoughts, denying them validity, and thus making it impossible to address them. Once unaddressed, they don't disappear, but continue to amass, rent-free, in my head.
This all comes to a point for me this past week leading up to this birthday. I've never had concerns about growing old (I often say and truly mean that growing old is a privilege that many never get). But the birthday does signify the passage of time; and the last year has really brought home the fragility of life. At some point, the purpose of trying to be mindful of gratitude and seeking goals of self-improvement as a way to counteract natural dispositions towards self-doubt and self-judgment only gets you so far. As some point, progress must be made, or else everything is revealed as a weak facade with no foundation.
So, perhaps a less rambling vague and more concise and direct way of summing up where my thoughts are as I turn 40 - while I love and am thankful for my life, I don't always share the same feelings for myself; and I would like to.
Fortunately, I have a pretty good idea what to do - the advantage of all those mental energies discussed above is that I almost always know what must be done. Perhaps in coming weeks I'll share some of those of thoughts. But, for now; I'm 40, and I suppose its time I start doing what must be done.
"If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done." - Bruce Lee
"The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing." - Walt Disney
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