checkbook obsession

So, last night Jackie and I went to the annual Purdue Club of Elkhart County annual meeting/dinner. We decided to join the club considering how big of a fan Jackie has become now that she can actually watch Purdue play on TV, and we knew a couple people already in the Club, including the teacher Jackie worked with when she first started at Middlebury and one of the other attorneys from my office. It was a good dinner, and included a nice talk from a former Purdue basketball player. As the goal of the club is to provide scholarships to Elkhart County students who are attending Purdue, there's also various fundraising things going on like a 50/50 raffle and a silent auction.

Naturally, Jackie bid on some things at the silent auction, and ended up winning a new Purdue sweatshirt. And naturally, my reaction was mixed, as I tend to be a grouch at times when it comes to spending money that I didn't plan on spending. Jackie commented to me that she prepared herself for some of my gruff. Its not like we don't have the money, its just that I hadn't planned on spending any that night (which may very well be poor planning on my part), and I am always trying to save money so as to pay off some of our bad debt issues as quickly as possible.

All this kind of leads to the title of this post, I am obsessed with our finances. I check our bank account online everyday. Every other Friday I check to make sure Jackie's check deposited, and if it doesn't show up at 8:01 a.m., I start to freak, even though history should tell me that it will be there by 8:05 a.m. I balance our checkbook, on average, probably twice a week. And I think about the grocery shopping, the credit cards, the mortgage, the car payments, the student loans every day. For whatever reason, it seems and feels like I am always thinking about our financial details. And I know that all this must drive Jackie nuts, as she tends to be much more laid back and a "go with the flow" personality than I am, who must have everything planned out (another example of neurotic personality - it continues to drive me nuts, and will do so until August, that I don't know exactly what we are going to do when the lease is up on Jackie's car, I feel the need to know and make the decision now).

I was thinking about my stressing over the financial details in the confines of our marriage in part because of a conversation I had earlier in the week. I was talking with the attorney in our office who does family law, and she was discussing some new clients she had and in general the common factors leading to divorce, and without question the most common is money. Either one person makes more than the other and it builds tension in the relationship; there is a lack of understanding of one spouse's part of where the money goes (bills, etc.); only one works and money becomes a divisive issue; one controls all the money so the spouse has to "ask permission" of the other spouse to spend, or buy something; and so on.

In our marriage, I do all the finances and my obsession over it leads to some unwarranted tension, I suppose. For instance, Jackie doesn't ask permission to spend money, but she knows that if she spends it and I don't know about it before hand, that my initial reaction won't be positive. And while there are reasons for my constant up-tightness regarding it (we do have a lot of debt that we have to work on paying off to help settle things better for our future), I always get the feeling immediately after my immediate reaction that said reaction wasn't the most healthy for reducing any potential tension.

As I continued thinking about the issues, I came to the realization that I was probably worrying a bit too much about the potential tension in our marriage due to money. In part because my obsession over such matters has led to both of us to change our spending habits, and be more conscientious of what we are doing financially. And in part because Jackie and I work well together. She's laid back enough on this stuff and has a good sense of humor that she can diffuse some of my initial reactions that would be counterproductive. And because she has lived on her own, and has had to be in charge of all these details, she knows what the money is going towards, she understands our debt situation, and ultimately gets why I react the way I do and knows its for positive goals. I also think a big aspect of our ability to deal with it is that we have always characterized it as our money, never my money and her money. Some people may scoff that such a simple characterization would make a difference, but I think its huge. Thus, its never "stop spending my money" or "why don't I get to use my money for things I want" and so on. We don't create for ourselves an unnecessary division and conflict by thinking of the money we earn in such terminology (language, as it helps shapes perception, is so important).

Nonetheless, the fact remains that money tends to be one of the most significant, if not the most significant, reason why many marriages don't last. And while I have no doubts of our ability to navigate the tension that arises from financial matters, it serves as a constant reminder to me to not let my obsessive behavior over the checkbook become more than a quirky personality trait. To let it be a tool for productive and positive aspects within our marriage, and not let its result be destructive.

And of course, as I think about all this, I need to stop writing and go balance the checkbook. Management of the obsession rather than abandonment, right? At least that's my story for now.