why blog?

I was reading another blog over the weekend that was reflecting on its fifth anniversary, and the post made me begin to contemplate why I blog, or what reasons are there to blog. I have switched among the various blogging services, always changing when I wanted to change why I was blogging, or just when I got bored of one service. For a long time, I had a blog at Wordpress that I poured a lot of work into and came to like. I ended up writing mostly about books, news, and politics, particularly the last election. It was a conscious decision to write about the politics, because it drove traffic to the blog, and I liked seeing the increasing number on my stats page. But then you almost feel obligated to continue to write about politics even if you don't want to, and while politics inevitable draws visitors to a site, it also draws comments which tend to be negative. Such was the case at Wordpress, where I felt like I couldn't approve comments because of various vulgarity involved. And at that time, blogging became less about doing something for me and more about a product or persona to be represented.

Thus, several months ago, I decided to switch to Blogger to make a clean break from the past. But the question that still wrestles in my mind from time to time is why do I decide to blog? What are the reasons to blog? Mostly I reflect on this because I don't put a lot of value into the things I am writing about...i.e., about the various happenings in my life and the random books that I read. While I like reading them, its a somewhat limited purpose being served. The best blogs that I read, at least the ones I consider the best, all have one thing in common that I tend to lack, and that is courage in being open. That is to say, the best blogs, personal blogs, the blogger is open about their inner feelings, taking the courage to put out those thoughts and not shy away from the same due to negative or just disagreeable comments. It takes courage to be so open in such a public forum, but I think that's what makes those blogs interesting.

I am naturally a fairly reserved person when it comes to sharing or "exposing" various things in my life to strangers, or those that I don't know. Therefore, the blog stays limited to reflections on random books and synopses of random activities and travels. I don't bare my soul, so to speak. And while I am not sure that a complete baring of the soul is necessary, I think its valuable inherently, and makes the idea of a blog better. Ultimately, I think the key to blogging and any type of writing is that it has to be done for the benefit of the blogger. In other words, I can't be writing to satisfy someone else, and I should be writing and blogging in such a manner that I like, that benefits me, and enriches my life.

I say all this because if I am not writing for those reasons, than its not really a worthwhile pursuit in my mind. And while I like writing generally, its mostly...I like writing in my journal that I keep and re-reading old entries from one or two years ago. The blogging never really factors in...in some ways, it ends up feeling like a chore to do rather than a joy. Its somewhat of a shame too as when I write about various things regarding my inner thoughts, doubts, worries, plans, and all of that, it ends up being very cathartic. And my sense is that it becomes even more so when shared. But sharing at that level takes courage and openness...a willingness to put not only your writing but yourself out for anyone to see and examine and critique and analyze.

All of this eventually gets to the thought that started this post...why blog? More specifically, why should I continue to blog if I am not putting my best into it, if I am not working to get everything out of it that I can? I end up feeling like I am either wasting my time by writing blog posts half heartedly and out of a sense of obligation (to what or whom I have no idea) or I am failing by not putting forth my best, or by not working to receive all the benefit, or by giving up and just rejecting the whole concept. Waste and failure...maybe the two things I can't stand to have in my life.

Thus, in my diluted logic, I think I have two real choices to avoid the constant entanglement I feel with blogging. I either stop, leave it behind, and just not worry about it (which I can't help but feel is a recognition of failing). Or, I put the effort in, I become more open, I try the whole courage thing in blogging, I share more in the hopes of getting out of the whole process what I really want - a cathartic relief for my thoughts and feelings, and the ability to develop that courage to be more open in the non-Internet world, to build and grow relationships and community.

Really not sure what direction this will end up going, but with the way I was raised, I don't think I can walk away without having "tried my best."