I think I have only slightly mentioned concerns about my weight, or seeking to lose some weight, twice on this blog. If blogging were to accurately represent what's on your mind most of the time, as opposed to just what you are randomly willing to share, probably every post could be about weight. But there was always something holding me back from being that honest and forthcoming in a blog. I would pretend on here like I was being that honest, but I wasn't. I would invent reasons for why I was or wasn't, but they were really excuses. This past week when I have been reading old blog posts, the reality of why I blog hit me (its not for any of the reasons stated in previous posts about blogging - more inventions). I blog because I like the outlet; the part of me that wants to hold everything in and shut everything else is not something I want to legitimize. Thus blogging would force me to "expose" myself and weed out this negative aspect of my personality. Yet, for all the good intentions, I still held back. But if I truly blog to push myself out, to become more open, not necessarily in a blogosphere but in daily relationships, than I must blog about that which concerns me; I must blog for reasons truly for myself. And I am digressing . . .
For those that know me, despite the fact that I think about this practically every day, I have done little in terms of putting that thought into action, into making any practical changes to my lifestyle to address these issues that are apparently of enough concern to dominate my thinking. But I suppose every journey has to start somewhere, and it has to begin with admission, and a good kick in the but, no matter how uncomfortable it may be initially.
The Admission: I'm overweight. Which is probably an understatement. I think, in my own mind, stating it as overweight helps diminish the seriousness. Overweight makes it seem like only a slight alteration is needed, a slight modification to achieve correction. When I use what I deem the more appropriate terminology, obese, it makes the matter more serious; more deserving and more warranting of immediate and significant action. Therefore, I am obese.
The Kick in the But: For whatever reason, it was the home sleep test that started it. I was reading about the causes and saw that obesity is a primary cause of obstructive sleep apnea because it affects the airways when you sleep, the angles and the pressure and whatnot. All this seems innocuous enough, but for reasons of which I still not sure how to explain, this little episode with the doctors discussing the sleeping issues started a floodgate, so to speak, for me on this issue.
The health issues with obesity started to pummel my mind, realizing how reckless I was being by ignoring the issue, how it flew in the face of the type of husband I wanted to be for Jackie, to the type of person I wished I was. I was thinking about all the times my knees would ache, or how I never liked what I saw when looking in the mirror. The conscientiousness decision making to avoid certain types of shirts, to avoid sitting in certain spots. In sum, the pervasiveness of how much this affected my daily life and routine hit me hard.
This was weighing heavily on my mind, and I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains. Heartburn, which I frequently get (weight related again, and some food choices), but despite the fact that these pains were pains I had experienced before, and I logically knew what they were, the fear played on me. Huge kick in the but. The next morning I was on the treadmill. That was December 22nd. I exercised that morning and the next, two days before we started our Christmas trek. The next week, last week, it was 4 days, before we left to go out of town for New Years. This week, each morning thus far. A little secret that has worked for me is to read while I am walking (won't work when I get to that point when I start running - but that is a way off yet). Totally takes my mind out of feeling like I am working and absorbs myself in the book, and the next thing I know I have walked for 35-40 minutes.
On certain levels it feels good, to finally be addressing these issues in earnest. On others, my doubt still works against me, knowing that I have never lasted long at this. But deep down, genuinely, it feels different. Its something I can't explain, but a light when off as if to say, "everything you want, everything you dream of, can't happen if you stay this way." I hold no delusions about this being a quick thing. I analogize it to committing to college or law school, its initially a 3-4 year committment; a long road that is sometimes fun, sometimes not, but requires plenty of hard work and diligence in staying on top of things. It's also not just about exercising, but requires me to rein in my love of food a little bit, and become more educated about that (for another post I'm sure).
Its a start. I'm looking forward to when I can run for sustain amounts of time. I'm looking forward to being able to purchase clothes from a "regular" store and not a big and tall one (assuming the tall isn't an issue). I'm looking forward to being as active as I want to be without fear of my knees and legs hurting for a week afterwards. But while I look forward to all these things, my goals always remain more immediate. Get through this afternoon after a lite lunch drinking nothing but water while a fridge full of free pop sits 50 feet away from my office; get up tomorrow morning and get on the treadmill for at least 35 minutes or more.
Every long journey must start somewhere.
For those that know me, despite the fact that I think about this practically every day, I have done little in terms of putting that thought into action, into making any practical changes to my lifestyle to address these issues that are apparently of enough concern to dominate my thinking. But I suppose every journey has to start somewhere, and it has to begin with admission, and a good kick in the but, no matter how uncomfortable it may be initially.
The Admission: I'm overweight. Which is probably an understatement. I think, in my own mind, stating it as overweight helps diminish the seriousness. Overweight makes it seem like only a slight alteration is needed, a slight modification to achieve correction. When I use what I deem the more appropriate terminology, obese, it makes the matter more serious; more deserving and more warranting of immediate and significant action. Therefore, I am obese.
The Kick in the But: For whatever reason, it was the home sleep test that started it. I was reading about the causes and saw that obesity is a primary cause of obstructive sleep apnea because it affects the airways when you sleep, the angles and the pressure and whatnot. All this seems innocuous enough, but for reasons of which I still not sure how to explain, this little episode with the doctors discussing the sleeping issues started a floodgate, so to speak, for me on this issue.
The health issues with obesity started to pummel my mind, realizing how reckless I was being by ignoring the issue, how it flew in the face of the type of husband I wanted to be for Jackie, to the type of person I wished I was. I was thinking about all the times my knees would ache, or how I never liked what I saw when looking in the mirror. The conscientiousness decision making to avoid certain types of shirts, to avoid sitting in certain spots. In sum, the pervasiveness of how much this affected my daily life and routine hit me hard.
This was weighing heavily on my mind, and I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pains. Heartburn, which I frequently get (weight related again, and some food choices), but despite the fact that these pains were pains I had experienced before, and I logically knew what they were, the fear played on me. Huge kick in the but. The next morning I was on the treadmill. That was December 22nd. I exercised that morning and the next, two days before we started our Christmas trek. The next week, last week, it was 4 days, before we left to go out of town for New Years. This week, each morning thus far. A little secret that has worked for me is to read while I am walking (won't work when I get to that point when I start running - but that is a way off yet). Totally takes my mind out of feeling like I am working and absorbs myself in the book, and the next thing I know I have walked for 35-40 minutes.
On certain levels it feels good, to finally be addressing these issues in earnest. On others, my doubt still works against me, knowing that I have never lasted long at this. But deep down, genuinely, it feels different. Its something I can't explain, but a light when off as if to say, "everything you want, everything you dream of, can't happen if you stay this way." I hold no delusions about this being a quick thing. I analogize it to committing to college or law school, its initially a 3-4 year committment; a long road that is sometimes fun, sometimes not, but requires plenty of hard work and diligence in staying on top of things. It's also not just about exercising, but requires me to rein in my love of food a little bit, and become more educated about that (for another post I'm sure).
Its a start. I'm looking forward to when I can run for sustain amounts of time. I'm looking forward to being able to purchase clothes from a "regular" store and not a big and tall one (assuming the tall isn't an issue). I'm looking forward to being as active as I want to be without fear of my knees and legs hurting for a week afterwards. But while I look forward to all these things, my goals always remain more immediate. Get through this afternoon after a lite lunch drinking nothing but water while a fridge full of free pop sits 50 feet away from my office; get up tomorrow morning and get on the treadmill for at least 35 minutes or more.
Every long journey must start somewhere.
I should have known that the wisdom from "What About Bob" would apply...although it might be more of baby steps to the elevator doors at this point.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thoughts.